Day Dreaming

I am following a book at the moment called God of Surprises. At the end of each Chapter we are set exercises. The 1st is to study the after effects of daydreaming...

For me, at this point in time I have no job. A decision I took upon myself. I was in the wrong place, doing the wrong things, deceiving myself (the true me). My current daydreams contain a mixture of fears and of hopes, hopes for a new chapter, a chapter where “I” can be, but fear (driven by flesh) of having made a bad choice in leaving. 

Most must think me mad to give up a well paid job without having at least something to go too; “maybe they are right” screams the flesh. It is also scarier in that I do not have a large nest egg to rely on or indeed rich parents (screams the flesh). At this point in time I suspect I will be able to survive until approx mid Sept financially, so around a month. Now I am feeling slightly madder! My comfort though is this; I have been told that to follow God with all my heart requires me to be just a little bit mad so all is good.

My daydreams seem to focus around a loss of identity, an identity my ego had created and lost, an Identity “I” believed in. I was a man employed in a good job, now I am a man on the edge of seeming nothingness if the world’s image of me were to prevail and yet... there is another truth.

Before I go on, I have to say that this truth seems hidden from the world; in reality our flesh has hidden it from “I” maybe this is what Peter means when he says in Peter “Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”

I often wonder why this verse has been with me like a brandished bull, recently other expressions were said, “Be true to yourself” “Live within your means” This truth has revealed a false identity of myself, the “I” can appear, the ego of course is now in full counter attack. My ego however is great at manipulation, it wants me to focus on what it knows as being 'comfortable,' 'accepting' but you see, we do have a choice, ego does not control us, it is not who “I” am, but it really does feel like it.

Ego has done very well to deceive me and realisation in these early days is simply not enough. You see my ego has tricks up its sleeves for just these events, through manipulation it has partnered up with my emotions, in particular, emotions that cause us pain are released, dread, fear, uncertainty and so on. The ego like the engine room of a steam train will shovel on the emotional coke to stoke up the boiler, trying to drive me in its direction.

Although my current daydreams have some dread they more often than not have a sense of hope, of peace, of trust, of surrender. Any ‘suffering’ (negativity) is because my ego is resisting, ego is not allowing this, ego is doing all it can do to take me back to familiarity, even if that is wrong for “I” “I” can only attain Peace, trust, surrender from suffering when it pays no attention to ego, “I” must allow ego to pass through or by it, paying it no attention, attaching no value, like Bruce Lee “I” must  sway, avoid the punches of ego but when a punch lands “I” must accept it, observe it, no more. “I” must remain fully present, fully peacefully. Like a Flower “I” moves from side to side, waxing and waning, allowing what is to pass by or pass through, reaction is nothing more than observation. In this place, peace, stillness, clarity, serenity shows the “I” clearly my path, my eternal destiny, my created reason, my full potential, my living Joy.  

Ego would happily have me doing the same job for the next 10 years but “I,” my spirit would always rise up, nudging, prompting, whispering, "Mark, you’re wearing the wrong coat", Ego ready in the background. I am a human doing and not a human being, so this "extra time" is unfamiliar. (All time of course is an illusion, see earlier post) but like most, my spirit struggles to win over flesh and let God in, and let God get on with it. My ego resists, fights, drags me into what was or what could be, it shows me a past and a future where whatever my mind decides to project my flesh believes and my spirit waits once again. The places my ego takes me to give me a false sense of pleasure, addictions, wrong thoughts and so on. Ego partners with other emotions to ensure these feelings are reinforced and the “I” is kept at bay.

This daydreaming is good when we can remain intensely present in God in what we are doing, not losing sight of the truth and always realising that in all things there is hope. To trust him as a flower does as it sways in the breeze, resisting brings only friction, suffering, fatigue, stillness and acceptance brings peace.

I’ll cling on to God in the present; it is the best place to be. From here I can be quiet, prayerful, be still, have peace, this place I do not question, this place I can make sense of who God wants me to be, here it is safe to daydream, here ego cannot exist. In the present, with God, I am learning that this is the place to just be, let be, and let God be God in me so “I”, the image of God can live in eternal Joy.