Striking a match in the darkness

Since August 2011 I have been considering the question “who am I?” I have sometimes thought I have the answer; even now I ponder the question despite having “an answer” One thing is sure, I am not who I thought I was and neither is the world nor my fellow brothers & sisters I share it with.

I have learnt that almost all of us lie to ourselves, most spend their whole lives living "there" from Birth until death, from doorway to doorway sincerely believing the lies that we tell ourselves, over and over again, so much so that anything else seems impossible to us, welcome to Ego (SIN)

Let me tell you a story about a frog called Mark. This particular frog was born in a deep well. He lived with lots of other frogs, some happy, some grumpy, some old, some young, some wealthy and some poor, all going about doing what frogs do.

Mark was not a particularly bright frog, He had lived in the well for a year or so, (frog years and human years are very different)

Mark often wondered why he felt so dissatisfied with what he had, especially as he had so much more than many. Mark pondered this thought day and night. “If there is more to life than what I see in the well what is it?” Many though Mark a crazy frog, a dreamer, “settle down and accept what you have been given” he was told.

Mark often looked up and wondered what the light was high above him in the distance. The light that seemed to come and go. Sometimes it was so real you could feel its warmth. Sometimes the light seemed grey and dull, sometimes it was not there at all, but of course, it was. Many said “what light” so blind where they to their own sense of self, how could they miss it Mark thought?

“Certain death” others warned Mark; “Danger, that is what that is” they told Mark. “Those that have dared to go towards it never came back” some cried, you could sense the fear and yet, there perspective of what their life amounted to was a lie. A lie so conditioned in them that they could perceive nothing else. Where they were, what they did, their whole purpose in life had been dictated by conditioning, a conditioning that was as real to them as the ocean is wet to us that know the truth of what lies beyond. 

Nothing could persuade them from the sincere beliefs that they had become, ingrained, weaved into their very minds like strands of DNA this lie. Even those that thought about it dare not for too long, the risk that what they had believed all this time being a lie was to much to bare, surely a lie this big could not have kept from the most wisest of frog’s for so very long?

“Who has tried?” Mark enquired. “What” came the reply? “Who have tried, you said some have tried” “Well there was this frog called Paul” said the leader of the frogs. He was a grumpy frog who picked on many other frogs. One day he changed. He woke up and was the happiest frog in the whole well, full of purpose; he would not listen to reason. He said he had dreamed of an ocean that lay beyond the well, that he was not a frog at all but was a soul, created in the image of God and the spirit of God living in a frog’s body. Clearly we all thought he has drunk to much wine. “I mean, how ridiculous is that, not a frog”?

 “We blamed this madness on what he read of course, it had been in the well for years, we tried to hide it following Paul’s escapade but Mark found it. Mark read to us the story of a man called Peter who was in a boat and how he had been called from the boat. We were told that Peter apparently stepped out of the boat onto water and walked towards this man called Jesus” We of course said how stupid. You can’t walk on water you will sink but he continued”

“Once Mark finished telling us this everyone was quiet, no one really knew what to say you see, we thought he was mad”

Mark seems to think that this story tells us about our life. He said that our life is a journey. In this story it could be a journey from the edge of the shore of an ocean to the shore on the other side, our final destination. Mark said that our journeys are sometimes smooth, sometimes rough, sometimes they are blessed and other times fraught with danger but most people never leave the boat, and do you know why” Mark said. “Because of fear, What if we drown, what if I can’t swim well enough, what if their is danger in the water, what if, what if what if.

Mark went onto say that since the dream he realised that the journey behind and the journey yet to come are unimportant. What is important is how we sail today. Mark said that Jesus shows us that sometimes things are not as they seem and if we focus on what is illusionary we will sink. Mark said that he had also seen a flying creature in his dream, he called it a bird. This was no ordinary bird as this was a land bird, not a bird adept to the seas.  

Mark said he spoke to the bird and asked it if it was afraid, after all the bird was far from land, he may not make it to land or find food, what if he were tired. The bird responded by saying he simply did not think about it, he flew and dealt with life as it came, placing no attachment to things, no focus on the past or present, just being who he was created to be, looking to express the love he felt as he soured on the warmth of the day. He did not worry about what he had, what he might get, what he lost, what he has, he simply trusts in him who lifts his wings and flies.

By now we all thought he was mad but Mark was convinced of a new life. A life he was anxious to explore and share with others. Mark spent weeks trying to encourage others to follow him and many frogs did. The morning came, they climbed the wall, some slipped and fell back in, now too scared to try again. Others got back up and again they climbed. Smaller they became, then gone. We have never seen them again, dead now we suspect, they should have listened, after all, what more could there be, what more could they need than what we have here”

End (for the time being)

Who am I? Well am was that frog. I am no more an actual frog than I am actually who I thought I was, one is as absolutely ridiculous a thought as the other yet both are exactly the same. In the illusionary world in which we live I might just as well be that frog.

So who am I?

 Every moment of every day I am faced with opportunities. Some know them as challenges, fears, phobias, can’t do’s, won’t do’s, cannot, will not, anxiety, pain and about a million other things in between. I have learned to believe, no, be convinced by the fact that I am a person who somewhere within me has a soul when in fact; I am Soul that lives within “a body” I have been deceived, I have been deceived by the wall maker, the barrier creator who builds all days long.

Some walls are higher than others, some barriers sway in the wind, some seem ridiculously high and some seem dangerous but all are lies. They are no more real than a mirage is in the desert. From the distance they look daunting; as you come face to face with them many can simply be stepped or climbed over. What is stranger is that once you have climbed over them and you look back they are gone. They are there to limit us and all are built by our Egos.

When you live outside the temple looking out you will not see what treasure you have within. What I have realised is that when the pain of playing the same role becomes more painful than the pain of being different things change, questions like Who am I come to the fore like an arrow through the heart. Like lava searching through the layers of the earth our soul is looking for a way through the lies created by Ego, you may also know it as SIN.

SIN (Ego) came to us at the fall of man. In that moment the fruit eaten paraded through us. Like the Trueman show, I have played a role, I know that the real me isn’t performing, I feel it, but I buried it. “I” watched, a bit involved but essentially “I” kept myself to myself and often still do.

Allow me to illustrate, I pick up two glasses, one with water in it and the other with Orange juice. I pour one into the other and back again until all intents and purposes I have two glasses of what looks like the same drink. Side by side they look identical.

How do I separate them completely? I of course cannot. My Soul and Ego are reflected here, they are so intrinsically linked “I” am confused. I have walked through life wondering how I become more of who “I” am. The truth of course is as mysterious as God and so it should be, after all my soul was created by him for him, “I am” created in his image. I believed that my Soul will go to heaven when I die but it is already there, it is everywhere, it is here and it is there. This awakening or move to enlightenment is a process of change, like picking up the ocean in your hands it is impossible to do; it becomes something that you are through closeness to the truth. A new relationship, a new thinking, a new you.  

Like the story of Peter in the boat, ego had trapped me in a vicious circle. It had made me fear, it had made me see the world how ego had projected it to seem. It gave me what I believed I wanted, it has worked tirelessly since birth and it is not going to give up without a bloody good fight. I know this because it still knocks me down. I often find myself spitting metaphorical blood from my teeth following another punch to the face. My ego will of course seek to work with other ego’s to gang up on “I”

It will use other ego centric bodies through emotion, words and action using every trick at its disposal to bring me back to earth sighing a huge sigh of relief as I do.

It now works harder still, repairing the cracks through addiction that the Ego uses, Addictions such as acceptance of others, a desire to be more, have more, to fit in, to be loved, to be needed and more. The ego looks to satisfy the senses of the body providing comfort that feel good to a deceived mind until the untruth feels right again.

In the meantime ego arms itself ready for when the well within begins to realise, maybe this time I will climb the walls to the top, spill over and see what God has for me, the real reason “I” was created, the real potential. No longer fearful of what “they say” placing no attachments to things at all, No longer worried to open the door of love and fear reprisal aimed at a false image of who I thought I was, for I am not him, most do not see the “I am” they see only what ego wants them to see.

I am no longer a frog but a Prince. I am his son, an Heir to his kingdom. I have climbed over the wall of the well; I will travel through dry lands and different ponds. I will eventually find my way to the ocean because I am already there.

This is who I am

I am loved by God; I am to love as God. I am his and he is mine. I am his son, God is in me and I am in Him