1 / 2 I am not an alcoholic but I am an addict.

I am not an alcoholic but an addict, a user, or instead, I use addictive behaviour(s). 

I share this in all its vulnerabilities. Vulnerability is derived from the Latin Volnerare, “to wound.” 

Fragility is part of our nature and something we cannot escape. It is the season of Lent, a journey towards the ultimate suffering, death, life and hope. This is a time to lament and reflect. A time to search, to look, to see, to seek. To look into the darkness as well as the light. We are not defined by our wounds; we are made fully human in our vulnerability and authenticity in the hope our true identity can be found.

For as long as I can remember, I have “used” Alcohol as part of my daily life. It often has, and paradoxically felt like, a safe place to flee. I say paradoxically because anything used in unhealthy ways is not a safe place to be despite how it feels at the time. I know the feeling I get when I indulge in that place there.  

I escape to “There” because “there” is familiarity. A place I believe I am a better, safer, stronger person, less tedious, and more fun. “There,” the pain I felt stopped.

 In reality, I am not generally unhappy, and I have the same usual challenges as many others; in some cases, I am far better off. So why is, then, that at specific points in my life, I have this internal pain that urges me to escape, to feel alive again, a relationship that affects my whole body.

 It manifests as aches, tension, high blood pressure, general low mood, irritability and a loss of focus or motivation. The reality in these moments can be challenging. It is here, the addict, that the dragon within says, “go on, have a glass of wine, eat something, you will soon feel better” – Fill the void.

Regarding Alcohol, I do not associate myself as an Alcoholic, something affirmed with AA. I do not drink a bottle of spirits a night, unlike my Father did, and I can go for extended periods of not drinking and have done so; why am I drinking? It solves nothing ultimately; it has destroyed so much for me, not least of which is probably my unrealized potential. It has damaged relationships, so why do it? It is not just Alcohol.  

I have since learnt that I have a tendency to addictive behaviour, not limited to Alcohol. Other addictive behaviours (not necessarily all mine) may include too much TV, ego, screentime, sex, money, shopping, overeating, gambling, people pleasing, smoking, drugs, self-harm, the need for gratitude or adulation, exercise, work etc. each of which are magnetic forces that if consumed unhealthily have the potential to kill.  

Long story short – I met a guy recently called Gabor Mate, a Holocaust survivor who lives in Vancouver. He is a world-renowned author, physician and expert in addiction and trauma. (Google him if interested.) He has worked with addiction in all its forms. He has learnt to accept people as they are, including those who want to escape the pain and those who do not, to the point he knows they will die and do die. His own story and the stories he tells of others In his award-winning writings are both challenging and inspiring. His recent film wisdom of Trauma is worth watching. The Wisdom Of Trauma -

I will not do him justice, but something he said this week has had a profound impact or “doink” moment for me. He said, ‘The route to addiction is always the result of trauma or painful experience which is felt in the body. I am beginning to understand my pain and trauma, which has included me doing regression therapy and compassionate enquiry therapy, although that is new. Through this, I have started to understand why I drink too much or overeat, which began with a question.

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2 / 2

My question to Gabor was focused not so much on the act of drinking but more on why I drink or overeat. Why was I doing it? Why could I go a month without drinking, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I am back to a bottle of wine a night or 6 bags of crisps. A merry-go-round of off and on. In the last few years, even a month has been a struggle.

Another comment shared that helped me is a quote from Alice Miller, who wrote about breaking down the wall of silence; in her book, she describes addiction. “Addiction is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress, and a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”  

For me, it has become the understanding of why that has begun opening an authenticity gate that will allow true healing to begin. It is the hope of the Emmaus road and a reminder that wherever I am today, Jesus will come and walk alongside me. My hope through writing this is one of accountability to my friends and help just one other.

 I no longer want to be attached to those painful places; I cannot resolve them there. I have nothing else to offer besides the promise to walk alongside you if you find,d yourself there.

I no longer what to dismiss my addictions as “bad habits” or “self-destructive behaviour” because I allow them to comfortably hide their functionality in my life. I no longer want to fill a void or live with an emptiness that seemingly pervades our entire culture. I do not wish to quote boredom or lack of direction as ok. This Easter, for me, has to be about hope. Of letting go, even those things I do not want to let go of. I want to spend time alone with my mind and thoughts and love the company I am in before I spend time with those I love and who love me; finally, we will share the man they have always known and seen.